It’s a little early in this blog to divert from the fun, exciting part of it; but the reality is that, when you decide to do what we’re doing, it sometimes gets challenging. Rarely does it seem it’s quite as challenging for George as it is for me, but he’s been doing it (living a non-monogamous lifestyle) far longer than I have. My life was complicated when I met him and the thought of open relationships, non-monogamy, polyamory, whatever you want to call it, was actually foreign to me. I’d had several relationships in the past where I either considered “straying” or inevitably did, so it was easy to see that perhaps taking that constraint away would actually make me happier. But I still struggled with the concept – a lot, in fact, particularly in the early days of us.
However, in spite of the many fountains of tears I shed and many hours of reassurance George had to offer, we’ve hung in there with each other and continued to grow nothing but closer. For a long time, we had a more of a don’t-ask-don’t-tell understanding, mostly as it pertained to George sharing information with me. It was what seemed to work best at the time and most easily avoided my feelings getting hurt… but it also brought about its own set of problems: guessing and incorrect assumptions on my part and as a result, more insecurity and some amount of dissatisfaction with the relationship from both sides.
To shed a little additional light on things, it might make sense to mention that George does have other long-term relationships that are significant to him. The other people in my life are either very casual, very new, or live in other areas so I don’t ever really see them. Again, I’m sort of a rookie, George is an all-star pro player. For the most part we handle this quite well and we’ve talked about how it might (and likely will) evolve as our other relationships change and grow. I’m still unsure a lot of the time about how I want to handle them and I hold on to a lot of fears about hurting other people, and I sometimes worry that I’m going to unintentionally hold them at a distance. Sometimes I actually even get terrified of the way I feel about George. There is something about feeling like my life would be wholly altered without a particular person in it that scares the heck out of me; or maybe it’s feeling like they have the power to cause me the worst kind of pain I can think of – heartache.
In any case, the level of openness we’re at now is still fairly new to us. We had a magical, perfect weekend about a month ago in which we just started sharing everything and when we realized we liked how it felt and that it felt right for us, we decided this was the new paradigm we wanted to operate in. No evasiveness to spare each other’s feelings; honest answers to questions and complete openness when it comes to knowing one another’s schedules with others. It’s been 95% awesome. I say that because I’ve had “moments.” His calendar is busier than mine as far as other partners go. Makes sense since he has more of them right now, but I also have less free time than he does (we both have children from previous relationships and I have parent duty more often than he does). I sometimes don’t envy all the juggling he has to do, but at the same time, I sometimes feel like crap when I don’t get preferential treatment when it comes to his schedule.
We’ve had an ongoing dialogue since we first met about primary partners and how an open relationship would work for us (there is no one way to do this – it just takes being on the same page to really be successful at it). He’s always been honest with me that he preferred not to give his partners rankings, and I have always tried my best to respect it. Although I’ve also always been honest with him that by default he is my “main man.” For me, something about that has always made me feel a bit vulnerable. At the same time though, I’ve often felt the connection between us is so deep that I haven’t needed him to say it or give me a label, it doesn’t matter. Yet there are other times when I fear deep down that committing to labels would somehow put pressure on our relationship and change us. I know, I’m totally being a girl and saying I want it both ways. Meh, I earned the right when I grew a uterus and boobs.
So, as we’ve moved into more of a no-holds-barred dialogue between us, I’ve admitted a few times that I realize I’m still (I want to think subconsciously) pushing for “#1” status in his life. He’s just so damned important to me and I truly think we have something he doesn’t have with the other people in his life… but then every once in a while things happen that rock my confidence in that, and it makes me question if I can really handle this: if I’m really in such a perfect relationship; if this is really what I want or if I’m just acting tough. I think I know what goes on in George’s head – he does tell me everything. He has opened up more lately about things that make him feel vulnerable, too – and truly we are so much alike, I really do think I get him. But he is a man, he does think differently. He’s very logical, I’m very emotional.
Some things happened outside of our control today and a few of the plans we had for the next few days had to be changed. There is nothing that could be done, but it’s my responsibilities that are cutting into our time. I always feel like I wish I could get more time with George than I do (and, for the record, I’ve also always been convinced that it’s a part of what makes our time together so awesome) so when things get in the way of the limited time we do have, it makes me sad. I went into scramble mode today, trying to request time with him anywhere I might be able to get it. Of course, he typically has at least his next week planned out, so essentially I’m asking him to cancel on someone else to be with me. I know it’s not fair to even expect that and far less fair to get upset when my wishes can’t be fulfilled.
I know this is getting rambly so I’ll try to wrap it up, but it’s more for therapy’s sake anyway. I truly think emotional pain is worse than physical pain and I hate more than anything shedding tears over my relationship with George. Most of the time I can step back and realize it’s other things affecting me, not really us. Today, he was amazing. He knew I was having a rough go of it and even though he only had about half an hour to spare, he took the time to come and sit with me, comfort me, and show me he is here for me. So just as I wrote this I realized it. This man does love me, he does care about me in exactly the same way I care about him. So much of our relationship is sexual (amazingly so) but it’s in these moments that I know it’s deeper. He’s in my heart forever, no matter where the heck our busty blonde hunting ways take us. I should never question it. Not even for a millisecond.